Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Randomize
