just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize