I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
