I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
