The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
