it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
