first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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