Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
