What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize