I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
