You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
