My sheets look like a crime scene.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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