Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
