just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Randomize
