I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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