My cat gives me a boner
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
