New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
