Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
