She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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