Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
