DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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