Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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