just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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