so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
