There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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