I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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