FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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