I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
