is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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