i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
