Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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