i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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