honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
