I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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