Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
