so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We have so much sex to catch up on
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
