You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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