hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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