I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Vodka?
Forever.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
