Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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