someone get that fucking seahorse.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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