I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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