I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
