Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
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