White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
