How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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