I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He? As in you personified your dick?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
