If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
