You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
