i think i have two assholes
I wish they made helmets for livers.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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