I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
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