apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
that's an acceptable place to lick
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
