I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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