you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
