if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
