Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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