You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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