R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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