tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
