I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
