i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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