I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
