I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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