if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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