I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
