If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Randomize
