he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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