if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
